Monday, December 18, 2006

Saturday was set for the services.

We all wrote the eulogy as we talked about her. The lady from the funeral home listened to us say things about her and wrote from it. My sister and I picked the casket. My brother found the cemetery, I can walk to it from where I live now, I like that. My husband and I chose her flowers for the casket, a rose from each of us, we each had a bush planted at their house so we chose those colors. My sister and I chose her cloths, we put those house shoes on her, she always wore them at home, they were the ones she gave me when I had my son. My husband and I purchased a ring for her, I have one like it, he got me one later, she never wanted to be buried in her good stuff. Twice while we were at the funeral home doors opened and no one was there, it was some how comforting to think that she might be checking up on us.

God sticks with us in times like these he gave me a worship leader who listened while I cried, then he found singers for us. My mother liked the singing at my church more then her’s so the weekend before Christmas we asked them to come, several said yes, one man knew my father and insisted on being there.

The governor sent a decree, we had so much food we had to send it to other places, the funeral home was filled with flowers, her church was standing room only, Hope Harbor received lots of donations in her name, she would have thought it all too much of a fuss for the dead.. . .after all we aren’t there.


Saturday brought a cold wet chill to us. I sat numb by that point I can’t remember parts of the day. My mother taught me not to cry at funerals, I held tight to that. My sister and I blew her a kiss and then they closed the casket. The driver fell asleep several times as he drove our limousine. I couldn’t stop giggling as we swerved around almost going into ditches. My mother would have told that story with funny faces and an "I thought we were gonna die on our way to the cemetery." I lingered at the grave site, it was hard to leave her in the cold. I told myself she wasn’t there, still it was cold and she was going to be alone.

We had to go on it’s almost Christmas and she always had last minute shopping to do, except this year. . .some how she had finished it. My sister and I sat shocked at the fact that she had done it all.

Christmas was a blur to us as we tried to make it fun for our son in our grief. We tried to hold on to the fact that God sent His Son for just those times, life after death.

Why did I tell this difficult story of what happened so many yet so few years ago at Christmas time?

Because I want everyone to know that through it all God held us together. He gave me peace when I thought I was falling apart, He gave me opened doors when I felt like screaming, He gave me humor in those unbearable moments. . .God held my hand.

I also want you to know that women experience heart problems differently then men and not all doctors know that. They feel it in their backs and legs. Always insist on an EKG if you think for a second that it might be your heart. Her arm hurt, then her back and legs. That is a big red flag that was missed because she had shots that day. Something catastrophic happened in her body and I doubt that they could have saved her. The important thing is that they might have and she would have been in the hospital, not at home for dad to try to save, for her nephew to try to fight his way past his colleagues, for my son to see what he saw. For us to go through that day like that.

I wasn’t angry with the doctor for the mistake and I call the hospital to tell them that I just wanted him to be more informed so that no one would ever think that their mother had a virus and die the next day.

Mom is a wonderful Memory in my heart, she will always guide me through life. I was blessed by her and pray that some day I’ll be with her again.

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