Her Heart

I wrote this some time ago and thought it needed a dusting off to remind me of her and how chosen she was and is. A mother. . .A mother who loved for us and the man that held her hand for us. We are blessed to have Him and them to remind us of the life beyond this.


I’m not so sure that I truly understood the pain that she must have felt while watching Him travel from place to place being treated as a criminal and as a star, so to speak, until I gave birth to my son. He was a surprise, a big surprise. I remember looking in the mirror after the second test thinking huh?. . . . Me . . .Us . . . We can’t do this. I remember the sound of the receptionist’s voice when she said "Congratulations" and I said "A . . . sure" she responded with "Oh" I then began to try to redeem myself with "No. . . no . . . I’m happy".

What did she feel?

Was she as afraid as I was?


More so I think.


My pregnancy was great, my friends and family were happy, my husband was a proud father to be. I couldn’t seem to stop smiling.


Did she keep a smile on her face?


I think she must have.


How did he feel when she told him?


Did he look shocked?


Most fathers do the first time.


This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about:
His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.


I wonder if she talked to Him before he was born?


Did she put her hand on her tummy to feel His kicks?


She must have.


When my son was born I sat in the hospital bed looking down at this small being wondering what to do.


How I loved him so much.


I could hardly take my eyes from him.


She must have been as fascinated.


I remember standing at the window of my son’s room looking out at the moon, so big and silver. It looked as if you could touch it.

I remember as I stood with my sleeping baby, worried as all new mothers worry about the things that could take this little one away, I remember thinking God how hard to send Him here to die.

I couldn’t let my child go to the cross.


I turned and looked at my sleeping boy safe and warm.

I truly know the sacrifice that mother made for us.

She carried a child for us.

She nurtured a child for us.

She watched as they beat, mocked, tortured, and one by one drove nails into Him.
After they had mocked him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him.
Then they led him away to crucify him.


My son had three stitches above his eye I want to take his pain away and I felt like hitting the doctor when he rushed not making sure it was numb.


Only three tiny stitshes went through my heart.


Did it feel as if those nails were going into her heart each one more painful than the other?


How broken she must have felt as she watched her son die a horrible and painful death.


Was she relieved when He took His last breath?


No more pain.


Now it’s done.


How hard it must have been to hold her son knowing He wouldn’t smile at her on this earth again.


Was she comforted by the knowledge that He Was, Is, And Will Always Be?


I know a mother’s heart.

She must have hurt so much for Him.


I know that God gave her comfort through it all.

I am so grateful for Mary.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. God did not send His Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it" (John 3:16-17).

It'sbeen 10 years

I miss you Mom.

We talk of you often and Miss Littles loves the idea of you. DK feels blessed to be the grandchild who knew you.

Thank You for being my best friend and mom.

I don’t like getting up this early.

It’s a big reason for the lack of substance on this blog. When I get off of work I drag home and do home stuff then it’s kid time and bed time. I know it could be worse so this isn’t a complaint.

Politics are heating up and it seems that I’m involved in a discussion every day. That’s cool to me because we care enough to talk about it.

I did find my what I believe start and hope to have it posted here soon.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and an appointment with laundry so I’m hoping to post something of substance. We’ll see what the day brings.

Until then

Have a happy!

I just want this sand out of my shoe.

Ever have one of those days when running away seems like a great idea?
I feel like one of those whinny folks waiting for Moses and God to tell me where to go and what to do. Well lets just build and idol and start the party!


I have no reason to sit in a tub of self pity but here I am. I do have a list of reasons. We always have those don’t we!


Here’s some of them:
I need to have several thousands of dollars worth of work done on my home
I have a movie that won’t copy to disk for my son to turn in.
My daughter has decided that all the world is her stage so why not put on a show at school.
My son is thirteen
People where I work are sometimes rude
Women have moments in life that make us crazy so we shove chocolate in our faces.
I have several others but these are the ones I shared


On a bright note I spoke with a wonderful Christian lady today about unity. She shared a sweet little joke. I talked to her about the 24/7 prayer and how great it is. It still gives me goose bumps talking about it. She and I almost cried as we talked of Jesus and God.
My co-worker did a major amount of the side work that I normally do.
I got a hug from one of my favorite customers
My husband let me vent.
My husband purchased jewelry for me and Miss Littles to support a mission.


So I didn’t open the bottle and I haven’t melted any gold
I did shove chocolate in my face and I grumbled a bit.

I guess I won’t run away today.

Saturday was set for the services.

We all wrote the eulogy as we talked about her. The lady from the funeral home listened to us say things about her and wrote from it. My sister and I picked the casket. My brother found the cemetery, I can walk to it from where I live now, I like that. My husband and I chose her flowers for the casket, a rose from each of us, we each had a bush planted at their house so we chose those colors. My sister and I chose her cloths, we put those house shoes on her, she always wore them at home, they were the ones she gave me when I had my son. My husband and I purchased a ring for her, I have one like it, he got me one later, she never wanted to be buried in her good stuff. Twice while we were at the funeral home doors opened and no one was there, it was some how comforting to think that she might be checking up on us.


God sticks with us in times like these he gave me a worship leader who listened while I cried, then he found singers for us. My mother liked the singing at my church more then her’s so the weekend before Christmas we asked them to come, several said yes, one man knew my father and insisted on being there.


The governor sent a decree, we had so much food we had to send it to other places, the funeral home was filled with flowers, her church was standing room only, Hope Harbor received lots of donations in her name, she would have thought it all too much of a fuss for the dead.. . .after all we aren’t there.

Saturday

Saturday brought a cold wet chill to us. I sat numb by that point I can’t remember parts of the day. My mother taught me not to cry at funerals, I held tight to that. My sister and I blew her a kiss and then they closed the casket. The driver fell asleep several times as he drove our limousine. I couldn’t stop giggling as we swerved around almost going into ditches. My mother would have told that story with funny faces and an "I thought we were gonna die on our way to the cemetery." I lingered at the grave site, it was hard to leave her in the cold. I told myself she wasn’t there, still it was cold and she was going to be alone.


We had to go on it’s almost Christmas and she always had last minute shopping to do, except this year. . .some how she had finished it. My sister and I sat shocked at the fact that she had done it all.


Christmas was a blur to us as we tried to make it fun for our son in our grief. We tried to hold on to the fact that God sent His Son for just those times, life after death.

Why did I tell this difficult story of what happened so many yet so few years ago at Christmas time?


Because I want everyone to know that through it all God held us together. He gave me peace when I thought I was falling apart, He gave me opened doors when I felt like screaming, He gave me humor in those unbearable moments. . .God held my hand.


I also want you to know that women experience heart problems differently then men and not all doctors know that. They feel it in their backs and legs. Always insist on an EKG if you think for a second that it might be your heart. Her arm hurt, then her back and legs. That is a big red flag that was missed because she had shots that day. Something catastrophic happened in her body and I doubt that they could have saved her. The important thing is that they might have and she would have been in the hospital, not at home for dad to try to save, for her nephew to try to fight his way past his colleagues, for my son to see what he saw. For us to go through that day like that.


I wasn’t angry with the doctor for the mistake and I call the hospital to tell them that I just wanted him to be more informed so that no one would ever think that their mother had a virus and die the next day.


Mom is a wonderful Memory in my heart, she will always guide me through life. I was blessed by her and pray that some day I’ll be with her again.

It was a hard day December 17, 1997

I called to check on her she hadn’t been doing well. I had turned down taking on more clients because I was worried about her. She told me she didn’t have pneumonia , I asked what then, I just don’t know she said, the month before. Her new doctor was working on finding out what was going on with her. Darn the insurance companies they can legally kill people, they put road blocks up.


I call that morning to check on her, she answered in a weak voice, I asked her how she was. She said that she felt a little better but was still in pain, we said I love you as dad took over the conversation. We didn’t know.


The next time my phone rang my father said " I think we’ve lost your mom." I remember how calm I was at that moment. I questioned him about where he was and who was with him. I couldn’t grasp it after I hung up. This is a mistake No this just isn’t right I’ve misunderstood but he can’t be alone so I dial my aunt. Her words were Oh Milly. I feel to the floor screaming I threw the phone. No it can’t be right I said as I picked up the phone she too was screaming. I called my husband, the words were inconceivable, he could hear of it and argued, I asked him to go to dad. I dressed quickly and put my son in the car. I was frantic. I was speeding and crying. I remember thinking how I must be freaking my son out. I tried to calm myself down, I couldn’t. I remember the exact spot where it came over me a calmness that stopped me. I stopped the car in the middle of the road. I felt her, I felt her hand on my face. Her soft sweet little hand on my face like I had felt so many times before. She did that she would look up at you and smile as she put her hand on your face. I sat and cried said good bye and drove on.


The ambulance and fire tuck gave me a sick feeling and the panic came rushing back. I quickly rushed in with my son in my arms. I was stopped in the living room, I felt my self falling to my knees and my son being taken from my arms.


My cousin, a firefighter, was held back by his friends. He came to me and shook his head no. He tried to speak but no real words came out. I looked around the room at the faces we were all so shocked . My sister was at work and no one could get her, a firefighter had heard of her and called a coworker to find her. Thank God they worked at the same place and she has an unusual name. I was pulled out and told to get into the van. We followed the ambulance, I could see him working on her, he never stopped. It all seemed to be in slow motion. My father was telling me he should have taken her in earlier. He was going to get her to take her to her doctor when he found her. I try to reassure him. I remember thinking it a dream and if I were to open this van door I could just walk out.


We arrived at the hospital and stood stunned. What now? A social worker or something came up to us asking what happened. I said she came here and the gave her medication and they’ve killed her. She got loud and angry I was shocked it wasn’t her mother in there it was mine. We were escorted into the chapel. My husband told the women social something not to speak to us again if she had something to say he’d talk to her.


Dad and I sat in the chapel, we didn’t know what to say to each other. Sean kept coming in and asking questions. He was the paramedic who had worked on her. He was also preparing us. I remember asking for something to drink from someone. My husband called his parents. No amount of prayers would save her on this earth. I at some point stepped out of the very small chapel to see the nursery, new life. I stood crying at the circle of this world life and death.
Then it was over they tried but nothing could be done. I was stunned at what the doctor asked my father and I couldn’t speak we just looked at each other. I looked at my husband he said don’t do it. So we don’t actually know what happened.


I sat next to her body for a while, I asked her to wake up. I hated leaving her there alone. She hated doctors and hospitals. A nurse asked if she had any jewelry on. I said no then she hugged me.


In silence we drove home.


My father stopped the clock from chiming, the other clock stopped on its own and there was a blackout in her home town. . . all of these thing happened at the same time.


Before she died my brother had a surprise wedding, they almost waited a bit longer. God stepped in.


I found my sister sitting on the bedroom floor. I told her what she knew.

Now we had to grow up.

. . .and now we have to make plans.

It's Tuesday and. . .

I called her to tell her that her grandson had checked out fine, must have be a little virus. She complained that her arm hurt from the shots and going to get a flu and pneumonia shot might not have been a good idea today because she really hadn’t felt well lately. Arms get a bit sore from shots, that could be it. Most likely, we talked on.


The phone rang, a panicked cousin, where’s your mom?

At home, she isn’t feeling well.

I know she’s in a lot of pain and your dad’s on his way to take her to the doctor.


I’m baby sitting tonight for friends.

I called my sister and explain what little I knew.


After a while I called the hospital, my sister is on her way to my house and the parents are due to pick the baby up. They have sent her home. I called dad. He explained what the doctor said.


They picked up the baby. We loved playing with him. Those two were so over joyed for us when I got pregnant. He was my boss and they were very good friends. When my son was born they insisted on babysitting. She brought him in at lunch so that I could see him. Mike had held him that morning while shaving and he carried him around as he worked and held him while he ate Lynn was great at taking care of him. I was so glad that they had two littles of there own. Time has past us and they moved away. I miss those two.


My sister and I stay up for hours talking.


I think that something is wrong, when I went to bed I just couldn’t sleep.

Something felt wrong.

It is just a day

Today was just an ordinary day I suppose. I don’t remember it. It’s been so many years and it was just a day not like the other days. Did she call today? I don’t remember. We called each other almost every day, Mondays were harder you had to regroup from the weekend.

To say that she was not just my mom but she was my best friend isn’t a lie. We were close, we talked about everything. . . . even that.

She would scold me as moms do but she was special because she knew how to love us for who we were. Things that my siblings did I didn’t do. Things that I did, sins that I committed were listened to and forgotten.

She prayed hard and loved openly.

When my marriage was hurting she listened. At times she gave me advice I didn’t want to hear. She was right.

She didn’t like or get jokes, we drove her crazy dad and I when we went through the joke phase. She was funny and she loved to laugh. The faces that she made alone were enough to get me going. Mom love to laugh at herself, her telling of her day at times was hysterical. It was clogged so I looked in the hose and pushed the reverse button, the thing is that it took me way to long to figure it out.

She loved people and felt for those less fortunate then us. She understood that sometimes people do what they can to make it.

She loved my son so much that she would cry. I’d look over and see her tears or she’d call to tell me that she loved him so much that she just had to cry. She gave him so much love.

It was just a day I can’t remember.

We walk on

Christmas will be here soon and she never has her shopping completed. I took her last week and she didn’t even really shop. My sister grimaced at what I had just said. She called her.

Mom wasn’t feeling well and she just hadn’t been well all week. She said was worried that she’d become ill while out, darn it I want to have lunch and shop with my girls and grandson. She called back.

We enjoyed a lunch together then hit the stores. Sadly my sister had to go early. Mom and I walked the mall several times talking. We weren’t really shopping just enjoying the time together.

It’s odd how He talks to us. I sat that Saturday before at a party for a women’s group that I belonged to listening to Barbara talk about how she forgot that her mother was gone. She was cooking and wanted to ask her something so she picked up the phone and started to dial. I remember thinking how important mom is to me that night. I even told mom what the friend had said . . . she understood, she missed her mom also. I was sitting in the pew that Sunday when I heard a baby cry, I remember thinking that’s music to Gods ears it’s life, life He gave us. I thought about how things happen one dies another is born, we cry for our losses as a baby cries in hunger.

And we walked together just talking.

She stopped and looked at me and said “If anything should go wrong with my heart take me to Tulsa I don’t trust the other hospital”

I agreed asking if she should tell me something.

“No, I was just thinking”

And we walked on.

We stopped in the book store, a treat for her grandson a 101 Dalmatians book. Now tucked away in a special place. We didn’t know how important that book would be.

We watched the little train go around for a while. My son loved watching it.

And walked on.

We lingered and laughed at the fact that we just didn’t want to leave each other yet as we slowly walked talking about things in our lives.

Finally we gave in and went to our cars. As always we hugged and kissed goodbye. I love you was always said when we parted.

She got into her little car, it was freedom to her, though she fretted at her driving as she aged. I watched as she drove away smoking, smiling, and waving.


I put out the decorations today, it’s a nice day for it. Holly on the bench and two small Christmas trees this year.

I should be doing other things today.

I should be at the cemetery tending to things

It is what I do after all
The flowers aren’t even ready yet
Life moves on and that’s how she wanted it

I should be cleaning the bench and the marker
I should check on the baby, I could have put something on the grave so that his parents know that we care, they know I listen to them when they need to talk

Flowers for Christmas,
I should have already taken them out

I wonder if the teen who died not so many years ago still gets visits from his friends. I don’t see Dr. Peper and powdered doughnuts anymore. The cigaret butts left and one unburned as a tribute are no longer as they move on with their own lives, hopeful wiser about drinking and driving

Parents leave toys for the lost children a broken heart never to mend.
So many left undecorated, people move on with there lives

That’s good

I don’t know why but it’s comforting to tend to those duties

I look at those near her grave and wonder if they are missed like she is

Her last bit of good advice

"Life is too short, to worry about the little things."
She was so right.

I NEEDED THIS!

God sends us such great moments, just when I thought "Great now I have to go to the fair grounds to help set up" my daughter says from the back seat "The reason I wore flip flops is that it makes me look seven." It’s cold and we may get snow. To a six-year-old seven is big. I said "Well then if I wear them will I look younger?" "Mom your toes are too big they will stick out and, and be stuck here and the big one there" I can’t argue with that, I do have fat feet.

I got a hug, held a kid, and I helped move some boxes then headed for church for sound check. I taped a cord and did some grunt work.

Spoke to someone about the elephant. Not sure he heard me.

We had a Baptism before the event. Way cool. Sends some perspective my way.

God sent some great people to sing tonight. I loved watching them play during sound check. You can see that they love praising the Lord. Best friends, Durant, Watershed, New Reign, and others.

It has me pumped up for the rest of the week. :-}Even though the water heater just blew. :-} God will provide