Tuesday, February 27, 2007

I'm sad to say

The fan on this computer is in a bad mood and will need to go away. I tried to update the fan but it doesn’t want to work for me. I was hoping for an easy fix. I will be talking to my computer buddy to see if he can find what I need and help me fix it.

Until then this puppy is in for repairs

Talk amongst yourselves.

Live, love, and laugh while I’m gone.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

bye friend

People come in and out of you life, some are so important to us that the loss is great and shakes who we are.

Some we never really knew so the loss is just a small moment in our lives.

Today after spending time with a dear friend the realization that I was about to lose a friend hit me. I went to wishing that her husband would decide to move them to a different church to them going harshly. I know that this is going to be the last strand of thread holding us together. It will hold too much anger of the church that she feels wronged him. He’s her husband and she will stand beside him. He was wrong and the last thing he did shook me hard. I have more respect for our shepherds then ever it’s hard to approach someone and tell them you can’t . . .
I have rather open views but this one was too much and I could see him ever being around my children again. I wasn’t alone. Some spoke out before I could, I’m thankful.

It’s still sad to lose a friend especially one who loved going to concerts with me.
I’ll miss watching the sunset with her and I’ll miss fishing even when she plopped the fish on my face to take it from the hook. I thank her for not laughing too hard when I fished without a hook because it was the moment that counted not catching the fish.

Where I fell

Today a friend came to visit.

The moment we met we were friends. The two of us have shared a lot of stuff together. She’s called and said I’m picking you up I need to talk and I go to listen.

It’s an odd thing to me that people are worried about getting too close stripping it away and really letting others see who they are. I find myself holding back and being afraid if I do share something. There are times when I can feel a panic attack coming after I’ve let a bit of who I am or was out. I don’t with her. I think because she doesn’t with me, I know about her problems she has been very open to tell me. I will say that I still hold fast to some of my past. The hard thing is that once you let it out then others know and you are afraid that everything you say or do is being judged by them at that moment based on what you have told them.

I have yet to figure out what to do after I’ve closed my eyes and fallen back. I trusted them once but can I do it again and do they now judge me on the first fall and will they on all others?

Friday, February 23, 2007

Ok so I’m raising this teenager. . .

and. . . .

Last night when I arrived home I noticed the playroom light on. I had two thoughts The light was forgotten or he’s still up.

He was still up and it’s almost eleven. I give him that Mom look and whisper in a loud angry tone to get to bed. I mumble about his dad not knowing as I make my way down the steps. When I reached the bottom I knew I wouldn’t have known myself.

I’m working nights a bit and haven’t seen much of the kids. I looked at the boy today and noticed that not only does he need a hair cut but a washing wouldn’t hurt. When asked how long it’s been he didn’t know. Ick! I wash my hair every day. I reminded him to use shampoo and rinse.

He’s thirteen
So why do the teens forget stuff like hygiene?

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

camped out

I haven’t been feeling it in the last few days.

I’m aware of the gift of spring and I think of Him but I haven’t been feeling it.

Is that a natural thing for a Christian?

Do you every feel as if you’ve made it to the summit and set up the Coleman?

Now I'm here and I can see a beautiful world so I think I’ll hang out for a while. Why not I can make smoors and hot dogs. I have a nice tent with a front porch so the view is a good one when I wake. Don’t get me started on the beautiful sunsets. It’s comfortable I don’t look down because I was there and I need not revisit that and after all we all know that Milly’s past was. . . .well she had a good time on her way up and thanks God for the pool of water to take that away.
So I’ll sit here awhile with my feet dangling over the edge and enjoy the view.

I have to keep moving.

Are you sure?
I like this spot.

I want to stay here because the climb might be something I don’t want to do.

What if the view isn’t as nice?

What’s that?

I have a map.


On the shelf.

Let’s see where It leads me in the morning after all I’ll need to break camp and tidy up. It’s late and all so a good nights sleep and then I’ll take a good look at that map after breakfast and the laundry.

I have to look now!

Fine I’ll open the map and see where I need to be. Here it is this one was Mom’s my Dad gave it to her it has her handwriting in it of things she wanted to remember.

Psalm 64 King James

1Hear my voice, O God, in my prayer: preserve my life from fear of the enemy.

2Hide me from the secret counsel of the wicked; from the insurrection of the workers of iniquity:

3Who whet their tongue like a sword, and bend their bows to shoot their arrows, even bitter words:

4That they may shoot in secret at the perfect: suddenly do they shoot at him, and fear not.

5They encourage themselves in an evil matter: they commune of laying snares privily; they say, Who shall see them?

6They search out iniquities; they accomplish a diligent search: both the inward thought of every one of them, and the heart, is deep.

7But God shall shoot at them with an arrow; suddenly shall they be wounded.

8So they shall make their own tongue to fall upon themselves: all that see them shall flee away.

9And all men shall fear, and shall declare the work of God; for they shall wisely consider of his doing.

10The righteous shall be glad in the LORD, and shall trust in him; and all the upright in heart shall glory.

Wow this one is a guide. . . a Sherpa in this world of mountains. So I’ll pack the tent and move on up.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


I don’t know if you have them in your area but the mourning doves are talking to each other today it sounds so awesome. The birds are singing and spring is about to bust out. I’m going outside now to play in the yard. Have a great day!

Monday, February 19, 2007

Rock Kicking

The gay issue seems to have popped up again. I suppose it does because we are Christians and as Christians we struggle with sin and what is sin and should we treat anyone differently and. . . and. . . and........

The Snickers commercial brought out those who are, as one of my customers said, "Homophobics" Note: this wasn’t a gay man. I have read that we should stop buying from that company. I find it to be absurd to think that it in any way was more than a big joke and in fact if I were a gay man I might be a bit offended. It did after all imply that they weren’t manly because they kissed.

I work in an environment that brings in people of all kinds. . .even manly gay men. I work with gay people several of them I adore and have invited into my home. Now as for being around my children I ask that they give the same respect that strait couples might give.

I have read so much hate for gay people from those who claim to be Christians. This troubles me. One woman actually claims to be a therapist and says that her gay clients read her blog. Gee if my therapist wrote about hating some people like she does I’d run from her.

I guess I might be a bit more open because I have and continue to sin. I try better but there was a time when I’d get up in the morning and start drinking, how about the sleeping with a man I wasn’t married to, and the cussing and and and and. I know that I’m not the only one that isn’t worthy of picking up a stone heck I’m not sure I can kick one over at this point.

I stopped smoking and drinking years ago. I’m in a committed relationship and I fail every day at not sinning. See some days I think those silly meetings just might help but the fear of being known and the fear of bringing it all back is overwhelming so I go to God. How could I condemn the people who seem to care about me when I can’t kick the rock?

Sunday, February 18, 2007


Amazing Grace
John Newton
Amazing grace! (how sweet the sound)That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,Was blind, but now I see.
’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,And grace my fears reliev’d;How precious did that grace appear,The hour I first believ’d!
Thro’ many dangers, toils and snares,I have already come;’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,And grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promis’d good to me,His word my hope secures;He will my shield and portion be,As long as life endures.
Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,And mortal life shall cease;I shall possess, within the veil,A life of joy and peace.
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,The sun forbear to shine;But God, who call’d me here below,Will be forever mine.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Car tunes

There is something in music that reaches out to us. It’s talked about in the Bible. We lift our voices to the Heavens. I sing in the car well not exactly singing per say more like belting the words out as loud as possible. Who doesn’t when I Believe is playing. I also tend to listen to the same song over and over again, here lately it’s Amarillo By Morning the Chris LeDoux version.
I am hooked on Baby You Save Me, I change the words up a bit to Lord You Save Me.
These are all country songs and worth the listen.

I Believe is a song about a man being a Christian and the words written in red.

Amarillo By Morning is about a cowboy doing what he does going from rodeo to rodeo.

Baby You Save Me is about a man and his love.

Does music touch you?

Do you sing in the car?

What do you like to sing?

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Happy Heart Day

I Love You Guys!
Valentines Day marks a special day in my heart my man got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I had already asked him but being a guy he felt he needed to make it official. I said yes and we were engaged for a little over a year.

We don’t do the roses and the candy. I refuse to buy into the cards and all that suff. I will do a little something because I won’t be home for the holiday.
It has been an interesting ride, a roller coaster, that’s for sure.

Monday, February 12, 2007


I stand looking in the mirror at my physical flaws
Scars from childhood on my face, I don’t know how they got there
I fell out of a mimosa tree when I was in grade school, I have a scar on my inoculation scar, on my arm
The small mole on my leg
Signs of child birth done twice
Grey hairs on my head
Wrinkles under my eyes and on my face from life
One eye lid droops more a family thing
I have a dot on the top of my hand I think it’s more of a freckle.
When I’m tired my feet turn in a bit
Bumps and bruises here and there
My Aunt Mary use to say “I love you warts and all”
I don’t have warts I do have a little age spot on my face.

Not long ago I ran into the store to purchase makeup. I use a rather expensive one because it’s better for my skin. Nope I’m not a natural woman. I wear too much eye shadow at times and yes I know it. I try to remove it but it seems to want to stay so that’s who I am and I refuse to change it today. When I arrived at the cosmetic counter the lady was looking for a reason not to stock and Milly was it. A quick make over and off to Target for some food shopping, two fast food places, and the gas station. I suppose He doesn’t care that I wear makeup and color my hair from time to time. Our bodies are made to wear out and they do, at 45 I’m sure of that. I’m short and I don’t care I came from short stock. I want to be thinner because it healthy and mom dying so young means a big risk for me.

This is my life and who I am and some say it doesn’t matter because only God matters. I find that so hard as I stand in front of the mirror wanting to be the best wife, it seems so hard as I lay in bed wanting to be the best mommy ever, it doesn’t matter because when it’s done it’s done. It’s too hard at times and I want to give up and crawl in bed to give way to dreams and fantasies. I love to write about women who are doing the things that I dream of doing I find myself giving them obstacles some large and some small. Is it preparation for difficult times to come? I wonder when I’m looking at my flaws a lack of faith or reality? I believe He gave me this body so I live with it the best I can He gave me my imagination and a way to escape the things that shake me. He gave me forgiveness, I need it often.

I try to look at me from the inside out, I’m not one to compare bodies with super models. I love hard and say the word love when I mean it, if I’ve said I love you know that I do. I want to give you what you need to make it through the hard times. Some days I want to reach out to save you. I’m sorry for your hard days and lonely nights. I don’t care about the amount of dust on my furniture when friends visit I care that they are here. I feel and He gave me that.

He made me sassy and silly. I love to play with people.

What’s inside matters a lot otherwise He would have made us all look alike. I try to imagine what some of you who don’t have pictures up look like. I’d bet I’m way off base. I still say nice eyes sir. God gave you nice eyes I’m sure of that.

So I stand in front of the mirror and look at who I am inside and out.

I am God’s little girl

Thursday, February 08, 2007


For those of you who read my Shoe boxes post you’ll get what I mean when I say PAPER TOWEL ROLL!

Several years ago I banned rolls of paper towels from the inside of the house. Why? Because we can’t be responsible with them. Every time a hand is washed it is dried with a paper towel. Every time a counter is wiped it is wiped with a paper towel. We were going through them at an alarming rate. I was beginning to picture the dump being filled with Milly’s paper towels a forest cleared of it’s beauty. I had only one choice take the things away to save the environment.

Now the teacher wants a paper towel roll. I am going to send a roll of paper towels with a note.

Dear Mrs.

My family has chosen not to fall into the over use of paper products ever again, therefor we no longer use paper towels in our home please feel free to use the towels yourself.
Thank you,
Milly and Co.

Now I don’t want to sound like I’m not over using other paper products I use paper plates a lot.

Are you taking a stand on something to help the environment?
I’d love some ideas.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Pray for those children

I’m not sure why I typed it tonight.
I was led to do so.
Pray for them

She stood quietly on the sidewalk not sure what to do or where to go.
This is what being alone was like, it’s cold and unsure.
She looked around wondering if she should ask for help.
Is it safe to ask a stranger for help?
She thought about the moments before when the anger was deep in her soul when she was ready to strike at them for what they had done.
The harsh world she ran from now looked good again
Should she speak to the man in the car
What will he want her to do?

1 million to 3 million runaway and homeless kids are living on the streets in the United States.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

As I was brushing my teeth this morning I realized I am Elmo at work.

Last night one of my co-workers, higher up then me, told me that sometimes the place gets to him. He went on to say good thing about the place but how sometimes he gets so wound up that he thought that others think he’s a jerk. I know he does because I’ve let him vent on the phone to me all the while hoping those around him couldn’t hear what he was saying. I said “I don’t” He smiled and said “Because you’re a nice person.” I need to say that this guy is a bit like Bert and Oscar at times with a touch of Animal. I married a guy like him so it’s easier for me to laugh at his Oscarness and giggle when he’s a Bert.

One of the guys I go to church with came in last night, we started talking about the direction of the church and how great it felt to see things moving along. On one subject he said wouldn’t it be great if the people weren’t in it like if you didn’t have customers. I laughed at that then said “If I had only these folks to play with he’d go crazy.” K looked and me and laughed. It’s true. I love people and if I don’t have them I play with my co-workers. Could you see Elmo chasing after Oscar? Sure he’d take it for a while then you’d find red fluff stuffed in a haz mat tub.

My boss was so happy that I promised not to yell at him last night because I spent Super Bowl Sunday yelling. Not in anger mind you just because I wanted to. I demanded a radio if I couldn’t score a TV. I got a nice Bosch one. The poor man would be standing a few feet from me and I’d yell stuff like “D she’s being lazy!” He’d look at me and smile then walk away. I do have to say that most of the time I don’t yell like that because customers don’t like the yelling.

Can anyone now picture me in an office setting or better yet put me a cubical! Elmo in a cubical! Now that would be fun!

God has given us a wonderful gift of each other and I think we tend to forget that. I pray for the lady with Alzheimer’s and her husband some days at the end of his rope. The mom just trying to get through another day, the guy who works 16 hours a day missing his family, those far from home here to make a better life. I pray for Bert, Ernie, Oscar, Big Bird, Animal, and Elmo. We are all people of God and He’s given us a wonderful community to enjoy.

Monday, February 05, 2007

The tests were all in fun.

As the political sphere gets closer to us deciding who will be the lesser of two evils folks seem to be getting more and more charged up. I already know how I’m going to vote. Yes I have already made that determination. I’m not one who enjoys the battle of words on these things because it seems that others end up in the fallout.

DougAlug you’re a sweet man and you know I love you so please know that we as Dems aren’t the evils that you try to portray us as.

Laymond you too have a great heart and you know I love you. You in no way offended me in standing up for your rights or mine.

Here’s what I have found in debating politics those who believe that no republican has ever had an abortion believe it. Some seem to think that it’s the only issue in town. It isn’t.

I try not to put all of the republicans in one pot of soup. Let’s try that for all mankind.

Thursday, February 01, 2007


I’m am not the best parent in the world. I know this for sure and today was a bitter reminder. My daughter needed a shoebox. I thought it was due Friday so no big deal I still had time to find one. NOOOO! It’s today mommy T O D A Y! And so we began to look for a box. I am in no way into shoes. I know it’s unnatural for a woman to only have a few pairs of shoes, I hate touching feet so I hate trying on shoes and to even send me into a shoe store grosses me to the max.

The hunting expedition began I looked in the downstairs closets, then ventured upstairs, I was shocked at what I found. My son’s room was littered with opened books and magazines. He had a couple of shirts draped over things, and I don’t want to know what made that noise from under his bed. The bathroom was sporting a dirty mirror and yesterday’s outfit on the floor along with plastic fish and lizards. The game room was a disaster, it looked as if Toys R Us threw up. Now for Miss Littles room stuffed animals were everywhere along with her jacket, a shirt, a dress, and several other things. My voice got louder with each room.

I need to explain that I am working nights and took on more hours this week.

I still can’t find a shoebox and we are running a bit late. I drop her off just in time, go home shower, and head out for this darn box. As I went from store to store I began to realize how much I have been dropping the ball on this kind of stuff. I tried to cheer myself up with "But Milly you did send juice boxes and napkins to school for this month’s birthday parties." At the shoe store they had only one to spare and it was gross. " I can’t seem to get it together this year. I forget about some of the things going on at the school. Now Milly you sent crackers" The dollar store didn’t have a box. "This is why people home school, shoe boxes!" "It’s the teacher’s fault" The office supply store didn’t have it, nor did Michael’s unless I wanted to pay almost ten dollars for a set of two. I did what I could only think of doing at that moment I called my husband, after all we are in this together. Now my husband isn’t always practical in his thinking. Call C. and see if she has one. I’d spend just as much in gas to get it from her, not to mention the time. She can bring one tomorrow when they come over. It’s due today. I then let loose about the rooms as he attempted to explain to me that his lunch was about to be eaten by someone else if I didn’t shut up. I did. The lady at the clothing store didn't feel right about giving me one because she gives them to a church and security would have to walk me out and we don’t want to ask them to do that. As I drove to Target I began to really doubt my parenting and her teaching. At Target they had a box for $6.99, a box, it’s a box. I decided to go back to one of the stores for the set of two because at least I could make use of one. As I walked out I decided to ask if they had a box that I could have. The girl looked at me turned and pulled out an empty box. I was so thankful, she might have thought I was a nut.

I quickly rushed to the school with the box of mommy love so that I wouldn’t suck quite as much at being a mommy. After making the loop twice because when it snows it means park however you want in Oklahoma. (It also means lanes what lanes? We don’t need no stink’n lanes on the highway) I wanted to just park in the handicap spot for a moment but upon observing the sheriff’s department car in front of the school and thinking that they are not in a good mood being that they have to do some rather difficult things. So to explain that I was in need of a moment of being a good mommy, I would have been holding a ticket for sure. I parked and went in. I heard whispering and could tell that in fact I’m not the worst parent ever. I brought the box to the class. The teacher smile and thanked me. Now yuo know I wanted to be good and just hug my kid and leave, I honestly did. I so wasn't. I said "You know these are hot comities, I went to several stores to get one." "She said you know any shoe box sized box would do the trick" Yes I thought, with darkness in my tone. Doesn’t she realize that we would have had to pay a hunk of money! Instead I smiled. I want you to know that the next words out of her mouth almost sent me over the edge, this my friends was sheer restraint on my part, she had the nerve to say it after what I had just been through, she said "It’s funny I have lot’s of them at home."

Now that is funny, that is make you rush around begging for them, touching gross stuff spilled in one, explain why you need it over and over again, freak out, slide in the snow, get stuck, trying to leave, make you want to have a melt down, eat chocolate, I need a nap. . . funny.

I still won’t home school because one day like this is worth moments like what I’m about to do. That’s right. . . take that nap.