Her Heart

I wrote this some time ago and thought it needed a dusting off to remind me of her and how chosen she was and is. A mother. . .A mother who loved for us and the man that held her hand for us. We are blessed to have Him and them to remind us of the life beyond this.


I’m not so sure that I truly understood the pain that she must have felt while watching Him travel from place to place being treated as a criminal and as a star, so to speak, until I gave birth to my son. He was a surprise, a big surprise. I remember looking in the mirror after the second test thinking huh?. . . . Me . . .Us . . . We can’t do this. I remember the sound of the receptionist’s voice when she said "Congratulations" and I said "A . . . sure" she responded with "Oh" I then began to try to redeem myself with "No. . . no . . . I’m happy".

What did she feel?

Was she as afraid as I was?


More so I think.


My pregnancy was great, my friends and family were happy, my husband was a proud father to be. I couldn’t seem to stop smiling.


Did she keep a smile on her face?


I think she must have.


How did he feel when she told him?


Did he look shocked?


Most fathers do the first time.


This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about:
His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.


I wonder if she talked to Him before he was born?


Did she put her hand on her tummy to feel His kicks?


She must have.


When my son was born I sat in the hospital bed looking down at this small being wondering what to do.


How I loved him so much.


I could hardly take my eyes from him.


She must have been as fascinated.


I remember standing at the window of my son’s room looking out at the moon, so big and silver. It looked as if you could touch it.

I remember as I stood with my sleeping baby, worried as all new mothers worry about the things that could take this little one away, I remember thinking God how hard to send Him here to die.

I couldn’t let my child go to the cross.


I turned and looked at my sleeping boy safe and warm.

I truly know the sacrifice that mother made for us.

She carried a child for us.

She nurtured a child for us.

She watched as they beat, mocked, tortured, and one by one drove nails into Him.
After they had mocked him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him.
Then they led him away to crucify him.


My son had three stitches above his eye I want to take his pain away and I felt like hitting the doctor when he rushed not making sure it was numb.


Only three tiny stitshes went through my heart.


Did it feel as if those nails were going into her heart each one more painful than the other?


How broken she must have felt as she watched her son die a horrible and painful death.


Was she relieved when He took His last breath?


No more pain.


Now it’s done.


How hard it must have been to hold her son knowing He wouldn’t smile at her on this earth again.


Was she comforted by the knowledge that He Was, Is, And Will Always Be?


I know a mother’s heart.

She must have hurt so much for Him.


I know that God gave her comfort through it all.

I am so grateful for Mary.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. God did not send His Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it" (John 3:16-17).

Praying for good news

My sister is leaving for Houston today to make another visit to MD Anderson.

Please pray for good news... and if it isn’t that we have the strength to stand strong in HIS arms.

Here YOU take the wheel. . .

A few weeks ago I felt like it was all closing in on me. I mean come on already with letting go of control. I want to move on. I want to live my life. He isn’t allowing it, he’s angry and for some reason can’t seem to move onto the “friend” to yell at and control and abuse. They are getting married so bug her not me. I’m not angry anymore, I’m relieved. I don’t wake in the morning wondering what he will complain about. I don’t wonder what new insult he will fling at me. I wake happy, ready to meet the new day. I’ve always been a happy person.

I’ve had a couple of bouts with depression. The first bout was when I decided to leave college and the man that I loved left to see the world and entertain as he traveled. I lost my friends and that man at the same time. I missed college, him, and learning. I threw myself into a horrible job and tried to save money so that I could go back to college. I pulled myself out of the funk and moved on with my life.

The second bout was while married. I pulled myself out by throwing myself into writing.
I’m happy. Even while living with a man who critiqued our lives in and out of the bedroom I was happy. I could see the blessings.

I now go to a divorce group to just talk and to listen. It’s helpful to hear ideas and get prospective from those who are going through the same things. I sat next to a woman who knew my pain and I know how she feels. I know that she too is going to hit that wall. I know that she is going to feel that she will never have control of her life because he won’t let her. We hugged and I tried to tell her that it will get better. It has for me. I gave him that control. I gave him control. I’m now working on not giving him my mood. I’m working on not letting him run my life. I’m not going to allow him to hurt me anymore.

God has, is, and will be a guide. I recently sat in my car feeling that I wasn’t going to be able to give my children much of a Christmas. That I will never be able to fix the things on the house that need work. As I sat in the garage HE began to talk to me. HE asked me to give HIM the control . . . and I did just that.

. . . and HE has blessed me with several wonderful things. Like the insurance company kicking in some money for my knee surgery because of the wonderful lady at the Doctor’s billing department going after them. HE sent many other wonderful ways this last week to let me know that HE is in control.


. . . can we put HIM in control every day?

. . .I’m learning and try’n.

The only person that can control me is the one that I allow the ONE that I need to put in control is GOD.

I am. . .

I'm still here and I'm reading.


Life is a bit crazy.


. . . . .so how are ya?

I long for . . .

When I think about my path I think about my dad and how he would find me in my special place in the woods. It had wild violets, a spring, and lots of buds and blooms in the spring. In the fall the earth smell rich and alive and the colors were amazing. I loved that spot and my dad knew it. If he found me sitting there he would walk quietly away so that I could have my special time in that special place.

I long for a place like that now.
One summer my son and I went sailing. I love the peace that the water brings.
I long for a place like that now.
I watched a sunset from the deck of a ship with my children
I long for a place like that now.
I’ve rested on a boat dock in the fall and listened to teens
I long for a place like that now
I’ve been held by friends who love me
I long for a place like that now.
He has walked in the woods with me,
He has sailed with me,
He stood next to me,
He has rested with me,
He has held me.
I long for a place like that for us now

Think'n differently

Now if you know me you know that I can’t leave it alone. I’ll think about it, pick at it, talk about it and eventually blog about it.

I’ve been perusing Jared’s book lately. I’m not too far into it but I do see an opinion that I disagree with. It’s nothing personal he’s a good writer and preacher and I am far from qualified to disagree out loud but you know how I am.



Genesis 22 (New International Version)

Abraham Tested

1 Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!" "Here I am," he replied.

2 Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about.

4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance.

5 He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you."

6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together,

7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?" "Yes, my son?" Abraham replied. "The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

8 Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.

9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood.

10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.

11 But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!" "Here I am," he replied.


12 "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."


13 Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.

14 So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."


15 The angel of the LORD called to Abraham from heaven a second time

16 and said, "I swear by myself, declares the LORD, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son,

17 I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies,

18 and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me."


19 Then Abraham returned to his servants, and they set off together for Beersheba. And Abraham stayed in Beersheba



Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!"

God doesn’t test us because He wants to know how we are going to react. Think about it do you really think that God is sitting up there wondering how we will react. Can you picture it? God leaning over to Jesus saying “Dude wanta make a bet that that he runs away?” I don’t think so. I think that HE knows us and He knows the beginning and the end. He tests us so we will know how we will react. So that we can handle life and death. He tests us so that we know how to obey

2 Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

WOW!!!!!!WHOM YOU LOVE!!!!!!!
Jared and I agree on this one I won’t kill my kid. Guess who knows that? God knows!

3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey.

Think on this EARLY. Why tell us what time of the day? I think if I had to do something that hard I’d not sleep the night before and I’d need to get up early so that my courage wouldn’t sink. I don't know about you but I tend to put things off the longer I think about it.

He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. 4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance.

ON THE THIRD DAY! What a long and difficult journey. Take a moment and think about it. Twice my son had to go into the operating room and with every tick of the clock my heart hurt. I didn’t exhale until his wonderful face was in front of me.

He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you."

I’m sure he didn’t want to say something like “Hey guys I’m going to kill my son up there so hang tight.” The men might have jumped in and tried to stop that crazy man.

6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, 7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?" "Yes, my son?" Abraham replied. "The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

I don’t know if God had prepared Isaac but I do think that he wasn’t afraid at that moment.

8 Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.

See they went together. Abraham didn't grab him up and drag the boy.

9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood.

Okay now think about this one. Have you ever tried to get your kid in a wrestling hold? Not too easy is it? Isaac didn’t put up a fight because Isaac would have won the fight. Isaac knew that it was from God.

Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son.

The knife is in his hand and he is ready to kill his son.

. 11 But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!" "Here I am," he replied.

Have you ever been told or thought that someone you love is going to die then you hear that they are cancer free or the heart attack wasn’t fatal. Now think of it at your hand. What a release of air Abraham must have let out.Think on this Isaac thought that the father he loved was going to kill him. He didn't struggle or cry out to God he too had faith in God. He knew that God would take him home to be with Him.

12 "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."


13 Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. 14 So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."



Abraham sacrificed his son that day.

He took him to the altar.

He bound him.

He readied the fire.

He raised the knife.

In his heart he killed his son to obey God.

Amazing . . .

and. . .

. . . .. . . frightening.

And have not withheld your son, your only son.

Just as God didn’t withhold His Son His only Son that day on the cross.

What a powerful and amazing story of obedience and love.

The translation of the prayer in post #500

Matthew 6:9-25 (King James Version)

Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil:

For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever.

Amen