Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Life is what it is

The last couple of weeks have been stressful where the ex and I are concerned. He seems to want to fight about everything. I’m angry that he pushed my buttons so hard that I flipped. I win at nothing when I lose my temper. I’ve hated the way that he has twisted the truth and flat said things that aren’t true. He wants for me to fall into line, his line and I won’t do it. At one point he yelled “You’re ruining my life.” That made me laugh. I don’t want to be a part of his life at all. I’ve prayed for his marriage. I pray for him. I want to stop fighting. I’m letting my attorney go as soon as all the divorce paperwork is done. No it isn’t yet I waiting on his side.

How do I stand firm?

How do I cope?


Divorce, broken hip, heart surgery, knee surgery, and cancer
We had a wreck of a year and face more troubles.

My sister hasn’t kicked the cancer yet and my ex still pushes my buttons.

I’ve learned that we actually do teach people how we want to be treated. I’m trying to retrain myself and him. At times I picture a rolled up news paper. :-}

So last night I gave it UP (Rather flung it up) and went to sleep and this morning I woke feeling blessed and happy.

I know how to handle it all now. God spoke to me in my sleep.

I’m also working on being healthy. I eat cactus . . . yes cactus. My joints feel great, I’ve lost more than 11 lbs and I have pep in my step. It’s not all from cactus, I’m eating healthier. I’m going to join a gym when I can afford it. I’d love to take boxing. Honestly.

Okay so my house looks like a disaster most of the time and I have just enough money to squeak by. But I have a home and I have enough money to take care of us.
I also want to go on another date with a nice man. I went a few months ago and it was very nice. When God is ready for me to meet him I will still I’m ready to meet a nice man.

God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

. . . . . So how are you my friends?

Saturday, February 06, 2010

She loved the earth

This is the time when I don’t love being here.
I can smell the flowers
I wish I knew why
I can see his heart breaking . . . so young
The scent of the flowers waft over me
She had a great life in front of her
Good friends
The yellow roses are stunning
The music seems to be dragging . . . I won’t want that
Are those lilies?
I can’t take them . . . they smell great but make me sick
The placement is wrong . . . I hate it
Who loves it?
They can almost touch the . . .
When did things go wrong?
Yes they are lilies. . . I hope they don’t make me sick
The lady next to me knows how they feel, sort of . . . she’s lost . . . a. . .
If my eyes start watering no one will know it’s the lilies
She loved the earth
I would have changed that background
I should have asked if they needed help
I should have gone upstairs
It’s fine no one cares about a background
Those are lovely words about her
The flowers are nice
He looks stunned
I want to hug him I want to hold him
I want to take the pain away . . . he’s a cool kid . . . always happy to see me
She must have known how special her little brother is. . yet. . .
I think the heat coming on is blowing the scent of the flowers to me
In the quiet of the night . . . the pain . . . sets forth the idea . . . of killing the pain
I remember the loss to suicide