Tuesday, April 19, 2016

The pain of being an outspoken women in a C of C world.

Life as a woman in a C of C isn’t easy. Life as a woman with opinions and the ability to speak her mind is painful.

I’ve been struggling with the “new church” it’s the old church with a new name.  Not too much has changed, a guitar, a drum of some sort, and a new meeting place.  If I change the paint on my house and hang new drapes nothing is really that different. I have the same opinions in my house. Right?  So why am I so sad I’m old enough to know this truth?  I was excited about the changes! A new name! The one that I submitted that God put on my heart years before! I stood up for leaving church of Christ on it! I thought that we needed to stand boldly about who we are! I was happy to have a change in music. The new worship minister slowed the music down and added more of the old stuff. I even told him that I thought that it was a good idea so that the changes weren’t so drastic.
 But it’s not better, not at all.

The minister has a token woman that he pulls out to show us he is progressive, look at me I let a woman preach.  He talks like he believes that woman are equal but when a woman who isn’t a “You’re the greatest minister” BLANK kisser speaks up he is floored. He can’t take it at all.
I’ve been told where to stand and who to talk to. I’ve been told to stay quiet about how I feel.
I apologized for speaking up; he brought it up several times. 

How can you stand up on a stage and preach forgiveness when you can’t forgive?
I’m not a perfect person but I forgive. Okay so I’m still working on the baby daddy and that woman he married, they hurt my kids and the mamma bear comes out. I’m working on it. I’ve spoken in confidence to him only to have those words repeated from the pulpit. He has yelled at me when I simply asked if one of the men was in the building because the guest speaker, the one standing next to him, wanted to use some equipment. That man cussed me out in front of my child and my minister set that up by talking behind my back and working it up. The man and I are fine, I forgave, he forgave, and we are fine.  

My children and I were asked to his home for dinner and I agreed to come, when I went to confirm and get the address I was told he would be out of town.  Okay, life happens.

I’ve put in years of service. I’m honestly am not sure how many. I’ve worked long hours; I did so because I believe in what I do. I believe that I made a difference. The men have cut down my work, oh they don’t think so at all.

Now we have more women doing what I do and that makes me happy I can take a break. The issue is that one woman has done a lot of taking and the men have listened and they have talked. They claimed that they didn’t but I do know better. I was called into a meeting that was an attack on me. They had no real reason to attack when it was all said and done.

The minister does know that he started treating me differently when I was going through a divorce.  What? You say. Yes, a worship minister did the same. Perhaps I made them feel uncomfortable or they thought I was wrong. I don’t know. I’m sure that I have changed, I know I have. I was raised to speak up; I stopped because an abusive man hates that in a woman. Now I speak up.

I also loved the minister who came before him; he’s great at challenging me. He and I had a relationship. He has just the right amount of sarcasm. My dad once talked to me about a sermon and a couple of things he had said. He made a joke about eating donuts and drinking diet soda then threw in a democrat joke. I laughed and explained that it was all aimed at me. I miss him a lot.

Why stay so long? After all I have choices, this is Oklahoma we love our churches and banks. You’d laugh if you were from these parts.

I’ve stayed for my son. I’ve stayed for the people that I love. I’ve now made new friends and I hate the idea of not spending time with them. My heart hurts from the pull but I know that I need to seek Jesus somewhere else.


‘cause Bill didn’t raise his daughter to keep her mouth shut. His response was “I should hope not!”

2 comments:

KC Bob said...

I have to say it Millie. People who work at churches are often just weird. I have gotten so many mad a me for just disagreeing with them. I have had pastors walk out of meetings just because they could not handle being challenged. Pastors especially want yes men and yes women.

It is a sad case of clerical entitlement by narcissistic people who think that it is our (the laity) job to submit to them because they have a title ... and really pastor is not a title but just a job description.

A few years ago my wife and I were coming home from church and I told her that I thought that I had give WAY more to churches than I ever got from them. It sure sounds like this is the case for you. My suggestion is to find a place where you can really be loved by church leaders. In truth, we must never ever submit ourselves to anyone in (so called) authority that does not truly love, accept and respect us.

Did not plan to write a rant but I did. And as with most rants, feel free to ignore anything here that does not sound right to you.

I appreciate you. And one of these days I know that we will share some BBQ. ツ

Blessings, Bob

Kat Kostelnick said...

KC,
Thank you.
Yes we must share some BBQ sometime.
I honestly think that the minister follows money. I stopped giving to the church years ago when I felt that my giving could be used to help people in other places.

Thank you again, I treasure your wisdom