Sunday, December 17, 2006

It was a hard day December 17, 1997

I called to check on her she hadn’t been doing well. I had turned down taking on more clients because I was worried about her. She told me she didn’t have pneumonia , I asked what then, I just don’t know she said, the month before. Her new doctor was working on finding out what was going on with her. Darn the insurance companies they can legally kill people, they put road blocks up.

I call that morning to check on her, she answered in a weak voice, I asked her how she was. She said that she felt a little better but was still in pain, we said I love you as dad took over the conversation. We didn’t know.

The next time my phone rang my father said " I think we’ve lost your mom." I remember how calm I was at that moment. I questioned him about where he was and who was with him. I couldn’t grasp it after I hung up. This is a mistake No this just isn’t right I’ve misunderstood but he can’t be alone so I dial my aunt. Her words were Oh Milly. I feel to the floor screaming I threw the phone. No it can’t be right I said as I picked up the phone she too was screaming. I called my husband, the words were inconceivable, he could hear of it and argued, I asked him to go to dad. I dressed quickly and put my son in the car. I was frantic. I was speeding and crying. I remember thinking how I must be freaking my son out. I tried to calm myself down, I couldn’t. I remember the exact spot where it came over me a calmness that stopped me. I stopped the car in the middle of the road. I felt her, I felt her hand on my face. Her soft sweet little hand on my face like I had felt so many times before. She did that she would look up at you and smile as she put her hand on your face. I sat and cried said good bye and drove on.

The ambulance and fire tuck gave me a sick feeling and the panic came rushing back. I quickly rushed in with my son in my arms. I was stopped in the living room, I felt my self falling to my knees and my son being taken from my arms.

My cousin, a firefighter, was held back by his friends. He came to me and shook his head no. He tried to speak but no real words came out. I looked around the room at the faces we were all so shocked . My sister was at work and no one could get her, a firefighter had heard of her and called a coworker to find her. Thank God they worked at the same place and she has an unusual name. I was pulled out and told to get into the van. We followed the ambulance, I could see him working on her, he never stopped. It all seemed to be in slow motion. My father was telling me he should have taken her in earlier. He was going to get her to take her to her doctor when he found her. I try to reassure him. I remember thinking it a dream and if I were to open this van door I could just walk out.

We arrived at the hospital and stood stunned. What now? A social worker or something came up to us asking what happened. I said she came here and the gave her medication and they’ve killed her. She got loud and angry I was shocked it wasn’t her mother in there it was mine. We were escorted into the chapel. My husband told the women social something not to speak to us again if she had something to say he’d talk to her.

Dad and I sat in the chapel, we didn’t know what to say to each other. Sean kept coming in and asking questions. He was the paramedic who had worked on her. He was also preparing us. I remember asking for something to drink from someone. My husband called his parents. No amount of prayers would save her on this earth. I at some point stepped out of the very small chapel to see the nursery, new life. I stood crying at the circle of this world life and death.
Then it was over they tried but nothing could be done. I was stunned at what the doctor asked my father and I couldn’t speak we just looked at each other. I looked at my husband he said don’t do it. So we don’t actually know what happened.

I sat next to her body for a while, I asked her to wake up. I hated leaving her there alone. She hated doctors and hospitals. A nurse asked if she had any jewelry on. I said no then she hugged me.

In silence we drove home.

My father stopped the clock from chiming, the other clock stopped on its own and there was a blackout in her home town. . . all of these thing happened at the same time.

Before she died my brother had a surprise wedding, they almost waited a bit longer. God stepped in.

I found my sister sitting on the bedroom floor. I told her what she knew.

Now we had to grow up.

. . .and now we have to make plans.


Maeghan said...

Our moms are our world. Thanks for sharing. And I have been reminding myself this morning just that - our treasures are all around us, look no further than our loved ones. Nothing in the world can ever replace them.

Kansas Bob said...

Awestruck is all I can say ... at your transparency and the reality of your post. Thanks for sharing your heart Milly.

Laymond said...

Sometimes we think we have been handed a load larger than we can carry but with time and the Lord we can bear up under the stress. may God Bless