Monday, December 11, 2006

In order for me to move on with my life I must finish the Flirting Part Doux Post

To do so I have to define flirting


flirt >verb 1 behave playfully in a sexually enticing manner.


Wow that’s not exactly me.
It sure wasn’t me tonight or last night. I did get a few hugs from men. One has a four day old baby, I was so happy for that exhausted father he hugged me twice. I gave him a candy cane.


A very wise friend told me this when I asked his opinion


Touching is not flirting. Helping is not flirting. Smiling is not flirting. Friendly is beyond OK - it's the most lovely thing in the whole social world. I love friendly people who touch and smile a lot.


Now that my friends is Milly at work. When I clock in the place becomes my stage. I’m on I want to help those who need me and I want to enjoy those wonderful people that God created. I laugh, tease, and play. Tonight I gave out some small candy canes. It was fun I got several long day folks to smile.


The big question at hand is~Have I crossed that line?
The line just passed being nice and being a flirt.

I won’t lie. I can say yes I have.
Now was it to get power? No
Was it for something monetary? No


It’s ego building to say to a man don’t forget your things or you'll have to come back and see me and have him say I wouldn’t mind that.


That was a line that I shouldn’t have crossed. That was my sin to repent. That is why I wrote this post so that we could analyze ourselves.


Now to answer the responses


I’ll start with Danny

I suppose I seem like I’m flirting on these blogs. I try not to. I will say this I find that I’m protective of my guys. I have found myself defending some of you against the women as if I’m a big sister. I think of you boys as my cowboys and I know that you can take care of yourselves, I just hate it.

I understand why you consider flirting just innocent fun, harmless really. But you are not a man and cannot grasp what goes on in a man's head, heart, and emotions when, if our guard is down, a pretty girl flirts. And it is much worse for non-Christian men because they aren't even trying to stay pure.

Thank you for calling me a pretty girl, the girl part is the part I liked the best. Not saying old lady was a plus and you get points. (I'll mail then to you)


We ladies think stuff too, I could try to explain the mentality of a 40 something woman. (E-mail me if you must know)

As for the way I dress at work it's typical of where I work. Faded jeans sneakers, and a shirt. Plus the thing with my name written in Sharpie on it. Not exactly sexy. I will admit that I wear makeup my man likes it on me. Thank you for your perspective.

Thank you Chip for pointing out that we all need to be careful. We never know who’s out there.

Dougalug,
We love how you love her. You give the best advice as you tell us how you feel.

Kansas Bob,
Always an anchor with your wisdom


Byevad,
I think that what you and I do isn’t actually flirting as the definition goes. I am in no way wanting favors or sex. I want to talk and play with some of these folks. I've been asked out. I always say my husband won’t let me date. He doesn’t. I also talk about my husband and children, they are my life and the reason that I’m working in that place.


Missy,
I wonder if what to some seems to be flirting to those doing it is being outgoing?
Thank you for your prospective from a spouses view


I was raised in a family of outgoing people. My dad loves to laugh, he is polite and sweet. He shakes hands and looks you in the eyes. He’s a very loving man.


My mom adopted every stray friend I had. She was a loving woman who had no problem putting her hand on yours. I can still see her hugging people she just met.


We are a talkative lot. Remember that’s what my brother does, he’s a politician. I was raised to love people to enjoy them, and despite some of them I do.


I’m not so sure we’re flirts. I think we are friendly folks. And sure one of us might cross a line, we’re human after all, and I’ll bet that some take it in the wrong way, but we can’t let that stop us from loving you people out there.


Wise man saying to end this
Flirting is about power, but smiling is about love

12 comments:

Missy said...

Good post, Milly. You have a good point. I am typically extroverted and compassionate, so I hug a lot and love to make people smile, and I have never considered that as flirting. I've always considered flirting a means to get what you want - the heart behind it is manipulative. I guess where I go blurry is when my innocent friendly behavior makes the hubby jealous, or as these guys all pointed out, make other's struggle. Where do you draw the line and still be who God made you?

Danny Kaye said...

The question "Would my behavior toward this woman be the same if my wife were right there?" is a good one.

But I would go even a step further and ask "Would my behavior be the same if the womans' husband or boyfriend was right there"?

Mil-Gurl, I understand all the stuff about loving people and smiling and all of it. I am an extravert as well. And we sanguines(sp??) are always running the risk of coming across flirtatious. But people like you, me, Missy, byevad...etc, cannot think about our motives for our behavior. Our behavior might just well be fine 99% of the time. But if it gives a "hint of sexual immorality", if it causes someone else to struggle, or if it is not something we are fully convinced the Lord would do, Himself, then we are the ones who need to adjust our behaviors. It is all too easy to call others to "suck it up, dudes and dudettes. I'm just being friendly", and expect them to not think another thing of it. But we can't, or at least, we mustn't; for others' sake...not our own.

Keep smiling!
Keep giving out candy canes!
Keep being an extravert!

But my opinion is that if we are around people who we are not in a familiar relationship with, we should err on the side of caution. (And yes...I am including hugs to strangers in the workplace in that sentence.)
I know you will do what you feel is right and proper. Just measure it against the Lord and those who might be affected by the behavior.

Milly said...

Missy,
My husband gets a bit jealous at times. I laugh at him over most of them. Honestly a friendly young waiter, most of them around here attend the Bible college and I’m old enough to be their mom. It’s just silly. Sometimes I think that they just want to take care of me because they miss the mom. I don’t even notice that they are being flirtatious.

Look without a doubt we can cross a line, but if we stop loving those people beyond our door we’re sunk. Keep loving them.

I get a tickle that my man cares and I tell him when he says something about the young man that smiled at me and neglected the poor guy. Thank him for loving you when he turns a bit green.

You know Jedi could have joined in on this one.

Milly said...

Danny,
That’s a very good question would that change my behavior?

No, not now. I did this post so that I could examine myself and I think that others get a chance to examine themselves.

I’ve been hugged by men and women in my work place. I get and give hugs to co-workers. I won’t change it I love the fact that one of my guys saw me after several months of not seeing me and gave me a big hug. Then when I handed him the candy cane he hugged me again. He need it, he’s working nights to support a new baby so that they won’t have to hire someone to help. I would have hugged him in front of his lady and been very happy for them both. I’ve had men , in front of wives and children put their arms around me while we talked, that’s not flirting.

I realize that some are weak but not all and I refuse to stop being who I am. I talk about my family and God at work. If a guy walks out thinking something inappropriate then it’s because of his own doing . I know that some have, because we get some creepy guys. Those are the ones you spot quickly and are sure to be very careful. I’ve worked around men a lot, I can spot most of them rather quickly. Plus they usually give you that look and not in the eyes.

Thank you for your views it’s made this post an interesting one. I always appreciate it when you folks listen to me tell of my sins , I’m always working on being a better Milly for God.

byevad said...

Milly, you rock!

After seeing the definition of flirting, I wouldn't qualify what I do as "flirting" because my motivation is definitely not to "entice sex". Since I've never been propositioned by anyone, I can only assume that my behavior has not been taken that way. The key word there is assume. When I do that, I can get into trouble...

Us extroverts will always be battling with wanting to help others feel comfortable, appreciated, welcome, etc, without crossing any lines.

Danny's point about considering how others perceive us is very valid. I will admit to trying to take on this perspective without trying to be ruled by it. Here's an example of what I mean:

When I was back in college, I wrestled with the passage that DK quoted in Eph 5:3 about there not even being a hint of sexual immorality. I knew that holding hands with my girlfriend (at the time) as we walked across campus was going to evoke some thoughts in other students' minds about the type of relationship I had with her. I knew some would assume that we were sleeping together based on this simple expression of affection. I was almost convinced that I should no longer hold her hand as we walked.

Now, there are those out there who would take a smile from a woman and think that a message has been conveyed that wasn't intended. Does this mean she should stop smiling at people? I think not. (And I know that this is not what Danny is suggesting since he said "Keep smiling!")

The key here is to be aware (of ourselves and of others). A good word study in the scriptures is "consider". That one word packs quite a punch and implies a deep thought about a topic or the needs of another person.

Anyway, I so appreciate this discussion. You have succeeded in your stated goal of getting me to examine myself and my actions a little more closely!

Kansas Bob said...

The amazing thing about these two posts is the openness you display Milly - You Rock! I love how accountable you have made yourself. Your honesty is so refreshing. I have to admit that I am a bit guarded with the male/female dynamic and error on the conservative side. After reading your posts I think that I should error on liberality ... why should love in any (appropriate) form be guarded?

PS: I got rid of that annoying Word Verification and haven't had trouble with spammers.

Odepoke said...

Very, very well said, Milly.

I would add to the discussion that a couple times some nice lady has
extended a friendly gesture to me in her place of business, and it warmed my heart for days. My wife may not have understood had she been there, but it would have been her problem. I understood, and it was the right thing to do.

Thank you, Milly, for chiding yourself, and for not hiding the light God has given you.

Odepoke said...

Bizarre. Codepoke doesn't work here any more. Well, Odepoke it is, then.

KB, I never have had that on, and I get a rash of 5 or so spams every couple weeks. I can live with that.

Milly said...

KB,

I’m keeping it for now. I’ve been spammed here with the word thing, they are using people now.

Milly said...

Thanks for the nice words everyone,
It was great how you folks opened up on how you feel and how you are. Talking, touching, and smiling is a good thing and I refuse to give it up. God made me like I am. I’m working on being a better Milly and I love to talk it over with you folks. I loved the honesty in this one.
Thank You.

Andreia said...

Milly,

I just have to add here that so much of this is dictated by culture. I have a habit of touching people when I talk to them. I don't consider it flirting.Somebody else might. It probably is part of the Brasilian culture that is still in my veins. It also was reinforced in sales training. Either way, it is a part of my personality to very innocently touch an arm or a shoulder or man or woman.

When I lived in the NE, it was a hard habit to break. It was not received well at all and I noticed people would often step away from me. So I quit until I moved to Houston.

I also think that when you really are full of interest for others and are willing to show that, it is often miscommunicated. I decided long ago to as Missy said, be "who God made me" to be and to allow that part of myself to function. It believe it is the Spirit working in me when I am freed of my concerns for myself and able to focus on others.

Now if others take that in the wrong manner as long as I know where I am coming from, then so be it. I pray for the discernment to see it coming and to respond in a way that allows the joy of Christ to continue to shine in me.

Milly said...

andreia,
I was raised by people who touch.
I have gotten thousands of dollars worth of stuff donated for group and I wasn’t afraid to touch these people I was asking. I showed a friend just how to ask. She’s a bit shy so it was still left to me.

I think that we are becoming too afraid to touch at times.

God made me like this for a reason so big hugs to those of you out there.