I had dreams of meeting a great guy and falling in love, in fact I believe that something happens when we fall in love. . . we loose all reason. We love this person and that is more than enough to carry us through for the rest of our wonderful, no mist to walk in and slide on rainbows to live. . . . hold it . . . a honey did you remember to empty the trash? That’s ok sweetheart I can do it. ( I always do) A honey I started my car and a cat. . . well there is a lot of flying fur and stuff. Please don’t hurt the poor thing any more than the. . .A sweetheart did you know the washer is leaking?. . .A the roof on our new house and I think that I hear mice and can we get new drapes because the cats from the previous owners. . .A sweetheart Thumper died today. And I love you so could you remember to put the. . .
It’s stuff it’s day-to-day-to-day stuff. It’s handing him a small bag afraid that he will be. . . that he will freak out when he sees the positive test and a pair of baby booties only to have him grab you in excitement and hold you. It’s having the person you love hold your hand when you have to make funeral arrangements for a loved one. It’s the person you love understand when you sit up all night crying and praying for a man who needs to find God before he dies. It’s as the song says It’s Mud and Guts and Barbecue Sauce and Finger Paint’n the Town.
A somewhat wise friend once told me that marriage is 100% this means if you are giving 10% he must give 90% it always has to add up. I believe this to be true. If one is giving more than the other then eventually the one giving the most will leave. I was giving less last year I went through a mid life look back at my mistakes thing. I was upset by a realization of the fact that an ex had most likely been watching me and knew when to step into the current relationship. My husband questioned me as to why that was upsetting because this path led me to him. I was upset because I felt stupid and betrayed by what he had done. It took me almost twenty years to see it. My husband didn’t leave me when I spent hours writing instead of being plugged in, he just waited for me to pull myself together. I have and now I’m very happy.
We have supported each other when we can’t deal with the outside world. He’s a worrier and a planner. I’m a dreamer and a happy person. I wake with the ability to see a new beginning. He wakes with a plan. I won’t see the next doctor until July he is talking about how a complication in surgery killed someone who knew someone. . . who. He tells me I can’t leave yet we still have things to do. I have no intention of dying from a routine operation if I have to have it. (I will, I’m sure)
We have gone from immature beings to parents. We have grown together and grown up together.
In a few days we will celebrate eighteen years of marriage. Good and bad we have made it eighteen years. The church where we were married, he was baptized almost eighteen years later. I was baptized there before we met. It is a roller coaster in the circle of life and I’m blessed to be on that ride with that man.
So I am a bit sappy. I love him.
5 comments:
Milly,
Great post sister. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Marriage math: to me it is much more like multiplication than addition. Here is why that is to me:
if both of you put %50 into a marriage, what kind a marriage is that:
1) If it were addition then it would be 100% of the marriage needs were being fullfilled... A+, even though both of you are only putting half our yourself into it. Intuitively you know this is wrong.
2) If it were multiplication then it would mean %25 of the marriage needs were met. I'd have to say that is more accurate. Some things are being met on the marriage front, but at 25% this marriage isn't long for this world.
If you play with the numbers it seems to work too. Let's say you put in 90% and your spouse 10%. Only 9% of the needs are met. The 90 perceneter finally burns out and the union is doomed. What about if both of you put in 80%... 64% of the needs are met: some things slipping, but probably maintainable for a long time.
The thing about multiplication is that as the percentages drop, the effect is exponentially bad. We have all seen marriages do this. They hang on for years, then all of the sudden, they careen over a waterfall and crash into the rocks.
A healthy, happy marriage requires 100 percent of both of us and a little (well... a lot) of help from God.
God Bless
doug
dugalug,
I agree.
Though the analogy is a good one especially coming from Dave. He was a super intelligent man who couldn't get a relationship to work. I’ve literally picked him up off the ground over a lost relationship. It has to be 100% on both parts. But when one of us can’t put 100% in the other has to put the extra in. You’re so right if we don’t snap out of it we are walking from a dark mist into a huge waterfall. We will surely drown. God has always been in my marriage We just don’t always listen. Now that we have grown up we hear much more.
We are blesseed,
Milly
I, too, loved this post, Milly. Thank you.
If one is giving more than the other then eventually the one giving the most will leave.
I have not found this to be true, but I might be wrong. I have found that the one giving the most will eventually be confused when the other person leaves. The one constantly taking is the one who doesn't know how to love, and who eventually is drawn to chase another.
The one giving the most will fall into codependency, and be unable to leave.
Just one man's observations.
codepoke,
Good observation. It’s perhaps because the one not giving is already so unhappy that they without someone to snap them out of it will continue to allow the situation. Hmm I guess we should all watch for a tilt in our lives.
Actually, I firmly believe that if you have fallen out of love with a wife, there is one sure cure. Start serving her religiously. Think ahead to her every need and deliver without asking for recognition. Don't try to stay out of trouble. Don't try to impress with romance. Serve. Actually do the things that need doing.
In a couple of months, a miracle will happen. She will be the most attractive woman on earth. I don't know why it works, but it does.
Hence, I say that the one who is doing most is the one who is least likely to leave.
(I have no idea whether this will work for wives who have fallen out of love, but I like to imagine that it would.)
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