Friday, July 24, 2009

Fear not! I'm afraid and proud of it!

Fear is a wondrous thing to me. If we actually own up to it we fear a lot of things. Some of those are rational fears some are irrational. The cool thing is that God knows us. He knew that we would have all kinds of fear.

The word fear is in the NIV Bible over three hundred times.

Everyone has thorns with their roses. Yes I think that strife and fear are on the same subject line. Not having enough money to pay the bills brings fear. Will the water get shut off? What about food for my children? If you’ve never had to worry about the basics in life then you’re blessed but not as blessed as those who have been hungry only to be fed. God has always seen that I be taken care of from a roof over my head to a meal when hungry. I learned more about how wonderful humans are when I lived on my own. I’m sure that the blessing will continue now that I’m single again.

Divorce brings fear.

I was afraid to stay with this man who told me how horrible it was to be with me. He let me know that I never met his expectations and he told me every day that we were together. He didn’t say it outright every day but he let me know by slamming a door or an object. I felt that he hated the very sight of this house it was his prison and that those of us inside held the keys to his freedom.

When he told me that he wouldn’t leave her for me I knew it was done. I still tried, after all twenty years of marriage doesn’t go gently into that good night. It yells, cries, and pounds its fists. It says things that hurt beyond repair.

I remember the moment that I knew I was done he chose to kiss the dog goodbye instead of me. The dog was once again put in front of me. At least it wasn’t her text messaging or a call. Many times we would be talking and that woman would have to hunt him down. Good grief it was as if she knew we were together. Her marriage was sinking so why not help mine go down with it. On my way to work I made the call to my sister-in-law and my brother to help me find a good attorney. My sis-in-law is an attorney and my brother is a lobbyist. My sis’n law listened to me tell my story. She understood and was just what I needed at that moment and many after.

Many times I would show up at church looking, as my friends have told me, beat down and as if the world was on my shoulders. I sat in the booth and cried. “G” just worked around me as if nothing were wrong once in awhile asking me to push a button or turn something on. Others hugged me giving words of encouragement. I didn’t tell anyone for a while, actually the news paper told a few. I was afraid to tell them and I was afraid to tell my children. I said something to the worship minister in front of my minister, I think it was about working out at an apartment workout room. My minister led me out of the room and confronted me about the divorce. He told me that he and his wife were sorry and if I need anything to please let them know. His wife found me where I usually hang out at on Wednesday nights. She related the same as the minister I told her that I was doing alright she cried and told me she wasn’t. My fears of telling people at church were gone. They loved me and would give me what I needed. support.

I was afraid about taking care of the house. I’m handy but not at everything. I was told this week that whatever help I needed was a phone call away.

Telling my children was hard Miss Littles was devastated and held me as she cried. God has sent us friends who understand and live right next door. They know too well. Miss Littles and her friend have spent the summer together. They are swimmer as we speak. I have a friend who gets all those fears and tries to solve them or at least listen. It’s good to have Christian friends next to us. I’ve been told by the Miss Little Friend several times that they are glad that we are Christians. So am I God has held me through all of this.

One friend has let me cry on his shoulder, so to speak, and has met a lady who makes his heart thump. I miss him but what a joy to know that we can be so devastated, so afraid, and then be given love and hope.

I think I may be ready to date again but that brings a whole new set of fears. After all I was told how I didn’t measure up every day for almost twenty years.

I learn from fear. At times I was afraid of being hit by him. I was afraid of how the judge was going to rule, I was afraid of my children falling apart, I was afraid of what people might think. I was afraid of lots of things and it seemed all the things around me. Then the morning came and the sun came in a beautiful new painting from God and it was a new day to wade through those fears.

I’ll write about feeling stupid some day, after all it wasn’t his first. It was, however, the last one I have to deal with in my marriage.

So if you are afraid know that you aren't alone. God has your back and I'm praying for you.

If you need to vent fear/fears you are welcome to do it here. You don’t have to say who you are. We (those who visit will spend time here.) will pray for you.


pearlie said...

I don't know what to say but pray that healing from the Lord will come to you though slowly but definitely surely. He is our Rock and Salvation.

Mark (under construction) said...


karen said...

You're a gem, Milly, and it is his loss. Thanks for sharing, and you know we're praying for you.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I agree with Karen: HIS LOSS!!!

You amaze me and inspire me with your strength, openness and faith. I think this is a new beginning that will bring good things your way.

You know my fears for my son, and I thank you cause I know you are praying.

Lynne said...

I wish I were as brave as you are ..
And, BTW, if you were everything he didn't want/like, then why did he marry you in the first place? My guess is that your beauty and courage were something he didn't want to live up to, so he took the coward's way out and tried to destroy you

DugALug said...

Wow Milly!

That is some deep stuff. I am so sorry for your experience.

I pray that all men aren't clumped with guy. I also pray for him.

Thank you for sharing something so close to your heart. We will keep praying for Miss Littles too.

God Bless

Robert said...

hi milly- man o man you went through some rough waters!!! I love your way youy express your heart so fullky milly you know from reading my bkog the fears i face and battle thanks for sharing God truly does understand!!! I hope and pray you are finding alot more peace as life has gone on, and totally echo all the others said about his loss. You are a precious gem to God and so many milly, thanks for all you share & the prayers you have given me :)