Monday, August 24, 2009

Pull it-Drag it-Hide from it. It just won't go away

Last night as I listened to a friend and gave advice I thought about how we hold on to our childhood mindsets without really realizing it.

That is until. . . .

Warning if you are anti same sex relationships then stop reading. I will hold my feeling about the issue and ask that you also do the same the post is about relationship and mind set not same sex ideas.

My friend is a nice young woman who is stable, generous, and dependable. She gave a friend a kidney knowing it would compromise her life, jobs, and hurt her financially. She holds down three jobs to support herself.

Last night we sat at the break table and talked about her new relationship and what was working and what wasn’t. As I listened to her talk I heard her say it wasn’t expectable to be gay growing up. There it is one of the reasons she has trouble relaxing into a relationship. She shook her head no but I pointed out what she had said. She grew up in a very religious family with parents who didn’t show affection at all to each other. Her mother was treated like a possession. No wonder she is having trouble in a relationship.

We were interrupted because she was on the clock and our boss called looking for her. It’s all good he loves us.

Get past how you feel about same sex relationships and think about how we drag our past into our now. Yes some of them get dragged. We know we have them in tow and we still take them with us knowing it’s going to wreck things. It’s like we can’t help ourselves. We clean out the closet and still place them in the keep pile.

Have you ever found yourself pulling it into your relationship? I'd bet you have. You may not even know it. My parents had a great relationship. They openly kissed and told each other I love you. I wanted that with my ex. We were open about kissing at times but not I love you. I had to say it first and then was crushed when he failed to say it back. It killed me to be the first every night to say I love you. I tried a few times to hold out and to see if he would say it first. He wouldn't and my heart was broken each night. He's say it after sex making it even worse. Guys we ladies want to hear it out of the bedroom not just in the bedroom.

Sometimes they hide inside our brains tucked up under that little end table that grandma had with a hand carved pineapple base. You are just hanging out with someone you love and WHAM your mom’s voice is coming out of your mouth. You find yourself saying “That’s how my dad did it.” BTW your loved one will and is allowed to make that snappy come back “If you know it’s the way he did it and its wrong then change it.” If only you could! I know my ex has said that to me and I have made the come back and nothing got changed.

I told my friend that she is right in getting therapy. I never finished my degree so I am not the expert on this one. I still try years of classes and blogging seems to make me feel like I should be able to speak up.

So how do I let go of all those relationship eating things? I have no idea today but I’ll know if I ever meet a man that makes me think about relationships that I'll need to shed myself of them. I have a feeling that they will still show up. I'll still have moments of distrust from being in a bad marriage. God bless the man that can take it in and help me through it day by day.


salguod said...

I think we make relationships work when we can see those things in the other person before they see it themselves and apply grace, liberally.

DugALug said...

As someone who grew up in a house that appeared very loving, but really was quite dysfunctional, I can say that those mindsets have the potential to damage the strongest of bonds.

I spend a lot of time analyzing my relationship with my wife and trying to make sure that I don't repeat the sins of my parents... on my wife or my children.

I can't deny that my view is skewed by the person that they molded me to be... and in their defense, they did a lot of things right. I can day that I believe there is Heavenly Father that can re-shape the most tattered of upbringings into something that is simply beautiful. The trick is allowing Him to do His work in us.

God is the 'Man' that we all need because us 'Men' on earth pretty much will fail in some way. I am thankful that He cares fur us in this way.

God Bless

Diabolical Genius said...

Very insightful.

I'll only add that the expectations that you bring into a relationship and then place on another person can be one of the most damaging mindsets.

They only cause hurt when they go unmet and are very seldom as reasonable as we'd like to think.

Mark (under construction) said...

I like this Post being who you are, where you and sitting their in conversation with a friend - around that table was the Kingdom of God.

the first few relationships in Scripture were a little unsteady - Cain/Abel, Adam/Eve