A few weeks ago I felt like it was all closing in on me. I mean come on already with letting go of control. I want to move on. I want to live my life. He isn’t allowing it, he’s angry and for some reason can’t seem to move onto the “friend” to yell at and control and abuse. They are getting married so bug her not me. I’m not angry anymore, I’m relieved. I don’t wake in the morning wondering what he will complain about. I don’t wonder what new insult he will fling at me. I wake happy, ready to meet the new day. I’ve always been a happy person.
I’ve had a couple of bouts with depression. The first bout was when I decided to leave college and the man that I loved left to see the world and entertain as he traveled. I lost my friends and that man at the same time. I missed college, him, and learning. I threw myself into a horrible job and tried to save money so that I could go back to college. I pulled myself out of the funk and moved on with my life.
The second bout was while married. I pulled myself out by throwing myself into writing.
I’m happy. Even while living with a man who critiqued our lives in and out of the bedroom I was happy. I could see the blessings.
I now go to a divorce group to just talk and to listen. It’s helpful to hear ideas and get prospective from those who are going through the same things. I sat next to a woman who knew my pain and I know how she feels. I know that she too is going to hit that wall. I know that she is going to feel that she will never have control of her life because he won’t let her. We hugged and I tried to tell her that it will get better. It has for me. I gave him that control. I gave him control. I’m now working on not giving him my mood. I’m working on not letting him run my life. I’m not going to allow him to hurt me anymore.
God has, is, and will be a guide. I recently sat in my car feeling that I wasn’t going to be able to give my children much of a Christmas. That I will never be able to fix the things on the house that need work. As I sat in the garage HE began to talk to me. HE asked me to give HIM the control . . . and I did just that.
. . . and HE has blessed me with several wonderful things. Like the insurance company kicking in some money for my knee surgery because of the wonderful lady at the Doctor’s billing department going after them. HE sent many other wonderful ways this last week to let me know that HE is in control.
. . . can we put HIM in control every day?
. . .I’m learning and try’n.
The only person that can control me is the one that I allow the ONE that I need to put in control is GOD.
